Navigating Context, Expectations, and Overload

Context

The past 5 months have been the busiest of my life, juggling many responsibilities. I am 6 months into my business. I am an 18-credit hour student, pursuing two degrees. I am co-president of a campus club. I work part-time at a coffeeshop. And I have many close relationships I want to be fully present for. I hit a low this semester when I came to recognize the lack of context I had in all of these areas. What I mean by that is that people only knew me where I crossed paths with them; people didn’t know the context of the other aspects of my life other than when I was in their presence. My art professors only see me in the studio. My business profs only see me in class. Events needed to be planned and meetings needed attending for the club despite my other workload. Many of my co-workers don’t see me outside of work or know my other involvements. And my boyfriend and friends may be there for some or most of those things, but they don’t carry those responsibilities with them everywhere as I do. How do I communicate to my art professor that I am putting in as much studio time as possible into my paintings when I’ve only finished two pieces in the past two months due to my overloaded schedule? How do I reconcile that I accidently planned business hours over a meeting I was supposed to lead? How do I fully engage in class when I haven’t eaten a meal in over 24 hours and have emails to send? 

I became so overwhelmed with my compartmentalized life. I struggled to find the line between each area of my life. I didn’t know how to show up to work and not bring my business, classwork, and relationships with me. I didn’t know if that was even what I was supposed to do. I was unsure if I was justified in my lack of progress in some areas because of time prioritized elsewhere. Yet, I still had to show up for art critique with only 2 pieces done. I struggled to know if it was okay to bring up the fact that I work part time and run a business, and that’s why I didn’t have much done. Or was I supposed to withhold my context and own up to my underwhelming progress? I was and am still not sure of when it is appropriate to open up about where I am coming from. Because it is true that my schoolwork and artwork suffered because I took on a job and a business and a leadership position. But will those just be viewed as excuses? After all, I am in school to study business and grow as an artist, so I can be prepared to work later on. But also, isn’t my business a testimony to the entrepreneurship degree I’m pursuing? Basically, I am searching for how best carry all the different aspects of my life. Because I am so deeply involved with all that I do, it is inevitable that I bring it with me wherever I go. Thus, I am exploring the balance of that. 

Expectations

As I struggled with finding that balance, I was plagued with the lack of context those around me had. I felt burdened by expectations that people had for me within those contexts. More so, I carried around even higher expectations for myself. To those that know me well, this is not a surprise. I tend to aim for excellence, to be at the top of everything I do. It is not about people-pleasing for me. It is a matter of self-fulfillment when I can match my willpower to my capabilities. It’s about realizing potential that I see in myself and in the world around me. I tend to see a need or possibility in the world, and instead of thinking that it would be cool if someone pursued that, my immediate thought is “why not me?”. The problem comes when I’m saying “why not me” to all of those things. Because, much to my chagrin, there are reasons that I shouldn’t pursue every opportunity. On the other hand, there are plenty of reasons to pursue certain opportunities. I feel that way about everything I’ve been involved in this year. I am 100% committed to Thrift 251 right now because I think it’s a model with the potential to add value to people’s lives when it comes to clothing resale. It also offers me an incredible learning experience and trial run in entrepreneurship. I also love my coffeeshop job because it offers experience in the coffee industry that I one day want to enter into. It doesn’t hurt to make some extra money, which is especially valuable when pursuing a risky career in entrepreneurship and art. I am co-president of the arts club on campus because communicating the values of the arts is one of my life missions.

I feel absolutely justified in all that I am pursuing. The problem is that I have high expectations for myself and each of these endeavors. Not to mention the commitments I have in my personal life, relationships, and schoolwork. The expectations themselves are not bad, but to take the personal responsibility on in so many different areas leaves little room for rest, reflection, and true growth. It leaves little room to actually meet those expectations. I physically cannot meet all of them without sacrifice in other areas. But I push myself to meet all of the expectations anyway, and I’m hard on myself when I don’t. Thus, I’m not justified when these pursuits are hurting myself and potentially those around me.

Recently, I had a close friend question why I was involved with all that I was due to the hard time I’ve had reconciling my expectations with my actual abilities. Why do I need to work, run a business, and do school all at the same time? It’s a very fair question. The honest answer is that I don’t have to do those things. And, of course, I gave her all sorts of reasons as to why I was doing all that I was. But, the question still stands and brings a load of other questions with it. Am I ruining my college experience because I don’t actually have time for my incredible friends and spontaneous adventures? Am I wasting the time I have to learn and grow under the umbrella of professors and mentors by spending more time working than on school? What will happen if I quit some of my responsibilities? Do I honestly need to work? Do I need to start my first business at age 20? The part of me that secretly wants to be on the Forbes 30 under 30 list within the next 10 years could come up with a million reasons to stay as overcommitted as I am. But the part of me that is exhausted, tired of missing out, and wanting to be present for the people in my life is begging me to prioritize. So how do I get both parts of me on the same page? Prune and prioritize. Pruning, like in gardening, is the act of cutting out good things in your life to make room for more growth. I cannot honestly look you in the eye and tell you that I am capable of maintaining healthy relationships, good grades, strong work ethic, effective business practices, and a healthy well-being. I am not. I found that out the hard way. I am capable of all of those things, just not if I’m trying to do all at the same time. Something has to give. Honestly, I’m still figuring out what exactly. In the meantime, I’m learning grace. I have to have grace for myself because I am overloaded. I did commit to too much. Thus, I have to relieve myself of some of the expectations I have for myself. This will take some growth for sure. But it is necessary. 

Overload

I’m sure many have felt these things, and I only just now have the words describing this experience I’ve had over the course of the semester. While I think this lack of context and compartmentalization effect manifests itself throughout our lives, I do think it is heightened in college. There are so many opportunities and responsibilities that one can take on with seemingly little to no opportunity cost. You are a student, but you could also be involved in residential life, campus clubs and organizations, or other extracurriculars. You may also work. You have more financial responsibility. You are living with your friends. This adds another layer of complication. While it is fun and can offer a supportive home life, it can also strip some restful aspects of what home should be because you’re living with other humans also trying to balance their overwhelming college experiences. And most of us would not trade any of these experiences for anything. What growth and learning and joy come from such things! However, they are not without cost as I found. Taking on all these responsibilities results in overload and burnout which impacts all of those areas of your life. It’s impossible for you to hit a wall of exhaustion from being overcommitted and for that not to impact your relationships. You can’t be fully present if you overextend yourself. This is why margin and room for rest are so important. I think that defining success for yourself is also important. Who’s to say that a day spent in self-care or saying no to an opportunity isn’t a success for you. Only you can decide where your time is best spent. I am currently exploring what that looks like for me. I don’t have any of this figured out in the least. Priorities, expectations, and rest look different for us all (remember that whole context thing). But, I am seeking those answers for myself. In the meantime, may we all have grace for ourselves and each other as we all navigate the terrain of this fast-paced world.  

December 2018